I'll miss you like a boil

Well dear readers, this is it. I'm writing to you from my final hotel stay in India. I suppose I owe you all an explanation of my two previous days.

On the 14th we started our drive into Kochi. I'll admit I got a little teary eyed driving towards our tuk's final resting place. It felt like I was driving to an amputation appointment. Our little team started a joke twords the middle of our trip about finish line fantasies. We'd said that there would be Russian women in bikinis and drinks on beautiful beaches pretty much any time we needed a goofy pick-me-up. I think along the way we drank our own kool-aid and started believing in that. We were sorely mistaken obviously. Good luck trying to get a drink on a beach near kochi. I'm sure it can be done but we couldn't manage it. Our spirits were low to say the least, our young man fantasy was crushed and our adventure was coming to a close. We loaded the tuk onto a ferry to Kochi and found that this place is pretty touristy. It kind of reminded me of Newport Rhode island. An easily walkable town, but we had wheels. Out of all the swanky places we could've chosen, we went with our classic economy option and Jamie had to sleep on a floor mat again.

The next day things got better. We crossed the finish line just as a couple of our very first Adventurist friends pulled up behind us. Team double Dutch. Such good folks. Normally when you finish the race they take your tuk away but we had our cameraman lie and say we had more filming to do. Double Dutch jumped in our ride and we cruised the drag. We got beers at an official beer store and a wave of Adventurists came pouring in. Smiles and stories were exchanged. Lots of good belly laughs from everyone. Double Dutch and koddiwomple eventually went for some lunch at an Italian place that served us some illegal mojitos. We had two full meals back to back with them and talked about all manner of things. After our extravagant meal, double Dutch invited me to swim in their fancy rooftop pool and I was more than happy to oblige. After a nice swim it was time to get on the party ferry to the island where the finish shindig was taking place. As we got off the boat they had drummers and horn players play us into the party. I immediately switched into social butterfly mode. I was all over that party. As the night wore on I got very drunk and started kissing folks on the head but they didn't seem to mind. My kind of folks. Dear readers, it's hard to write about how good a party is because you just have to be there to experience it but I will say this, that was the best party I've ever been to. It'll be tough to top it.

This morning we had some serious king Fisher headaches and were practically out of commission. I had what I can only assume my last dosa (a delicious Indian dish) for a very long time. After laying around for a bit, I got a classic hangover remedy: a tattoo. It's a tuk tuk on my ankle. I felt like I needed one seeing as how I couldn't bring the real thing home. The one on my ankle doesn't need permits or a smog check.

Jamie said "you end up missing India like a boil, you poke at it and feel something but when it's gone you miss it." Full of wisdom that guy. I suppose I agree in a sense. I was a glutton for punishment on this trip, with moments of pure elation. I think what I'm taking away from this is there's a lot of different ways to live your life and this is definitely one way of doing it.

Just over those mountains there.

Three days. That's a record for me.

I will do my best in these proceeding paragraphs to explain vividly what has happened. If you want the full story, with expression and excessive hand motions, find me in person. Maybe buy me a beer and some snacks. I'll talk you ear off for ages. It is my fondest wish that this text will suffice.

The morning after we got into hampi we participated in a massive festival. It felt weird sleeping in till 7. This adventure has turned me into some pensive tuk tuk driving tiger, ready for the road. We made our way down to the Temple ruins and already it was packed. People streamed into these ancient temples with offerings in little plastic bags. Flowers, bananas, and coconuts. They'd take the coconuts and smash them on a corner, then they'd drink the water and spread the rest of it on their head. I stood and watched a couple preforming this ritual in front of an old Ganesh alter. They anointed it with some of the water and then proceeded to drink themselves. As I stood there, the man noticed me and offered me the chance to be apart of it. As he held out the coconut for me to cup its water, I had to fight back tears of appreciation. I shared that moment with that young family and I cherished it deeply. From there, I did as the Indian's did and made my way to every alter. At one point a monk standing behind one of them beckoned me forward and placed a red Dot on my forehead. I checked to see and he wasn't doing it for everyone. I had never felt that level of acceptance in that realm before. It was incredible. It didn't stop there however. We funneled our way out of the temple where two massive chariots with ropes attached to them stood. They were decorated beautifully. Standing in front of them, almost like a blessing bar, stood several monks who were preforming the coconut ritual for anyone who had the means. The festival reached a fever pitch as a painted elephant followed by drummers and men with ornate poles marched by the amassing crowd. People began to bunch around the ropes near the chariots. With some hand gestures and some help from a megaphone this massive structure began to move. I felt like I had been electrified at that moment. As it began to move, everyone around me began chucking these offerings at the towering structure. Bananas and flowers tied with string. I happened to be given a couple of these by my fan club of children that seems to form wherever I go around here. The chariots moved about 40 feet and then stopped. We were told that these things would make it all the way to some body of water. We didn't have time to see it through, time is not on your side when you drive a rickshaw.

From hampi we did our best to burn through the landscape. It's tough to say what happened because it all begins to blend together. Mysuru was our next stop. A massive city that Jamie was unimpressed by so we kept on going. The roads went from good to bad to good again until we stopped in a town in hiriyuru where we managed to buy a bottle of whiskey without much fuss which felt like a dream.

From there we continued our "death March" as Jamie so lovingly calls it. We ended up driving through the bainapur tiger reserve which put me on edge. I'm not sure how tigers would respond to a bunch of idiots in a doorless vehicle but if my previous experience with India is any indication, they'd ask for a selfie and then promptly devour us. We eventually got to the border where the park continued and were promptly turned away with good reason. Probably because we were a moving tiger target and the sun was going down. However, as the saying goes, when you fall off the horse come at it from a different way entirely and hope the feds don't mind. So after three hours worth of back tracking and a rest at an okay place we did just that and succeeded. This time we actually saw a wild elephant on the side of the road. We were both enraptured and terrified. I'm not sure how people get crushed to death by elephants but I'm pretty sure it starts off with being dopes around their youngest one. I even stalled the rickshaw just at that moment and it began to wonder over to us. We made our getaway and headed over to the mountain that was in the way of our finish line.

We reached the top with little fuss the next day and nothing could be more different from the deserts of jaislemer. Lush green jungle was everywhere, even in the populated towns. We had some incredible local (kerrela?) food that I hope to recreate one day. Eating with just your hands is a good sign of an excellent meal. I think some of our top meals were in this town. The navigator supreme put us on the path to some legitimately ancient caves with carvings maybe over 10,000 years old. It required yet another trek up a mountain which I was happy to do (sort of). Yet again, I accumulated a group of children who wouldn't leave my side as I huffed up the mountain. On the way down they asked me to sing for them and I was just exausted and enthralled enough to belt out a couple of Frankie tunes which everyone in a 500 foot radius seemed to enjoy. Leaving my fanclub behind, we ventured forth to kochi. This time Jamie decided to put us on another god knows where path that led us through entirely too narrow roads that basically cut through some tea leaf plantations. We had to ask some local women where the nearest town was because we were so thoroughly inside the jungle. They pointed in a direction and as we went off they laughed heartily at just how stupid we were, no need for a translator there. We finally made it to some sort of civilisation when we decided it was time for our descent. Jamie, who simply hadn't had his fill of country roads, directed me to a place where the road stopped being a road for vehicles and started being a road for tea pickers to get back home. Jamie insisted it was perfect and it was useless to argue. We took it until we happened upon a godsend, a locked gate. We barely made it to that gate and a descent down a mountain on that road would have stranded us for certain. I drove pretty nastily on the highway back down to give Jamie what's for.

I'm gonna leave it there for the moment and try and update you all tomorrow for the penultimate day and of course the ending to all of this. Parting is such sweet sorrow.

The world's best navigator in the world.

I missed a day. Again. Hard to keep up to date without an Indian sim card. Dear readers, I do apologise once again. I'll try to make this brief but detailed.

Yesterday we ended up in baijapur after some serious country driving. Our pretty baby started making some bad noises but engineer supreme tightened some bolts and she was purring again. We happened upon a building called the gol gumbaz, a massive domed building. Jamie called it "his favorite building ever" I barely made it to the building proper because of all the selfies I was asked to be a apart of. I imagine I'll be an Indian hashtag somewhere down the line. #weirdbeard or #youngsanta. We decided to stay in town, and "cruise the drag" as Jamie put it. I almost expected him to pull out a Letterman's jacket. Our cruise of this "drag" was less successful than we hoped. The first part was fine, saw an ancient mosque that supposedly housed a hair of Mohamed. I tried my hand at swinging a cricket bat with some locals and didn't embarrass myself too badly. We tried our best to eat like locals at a massive market Street at night but it just wasn't happening. We stepped into a few creepy bars till finally we gave up the ghost and had dinner in the basement of our hotel. I slept in a nice bed for once and we got up again at the crack of dawn and headed for hampi.

We made incredible time on the freeway. The distance we made should've taken us all day but the gods must've wanted us here. We pulled in at about noon to the monkey Temple. A temple set at the top of a mountain in this absolutely gorgeous tropical setting. 575 steps in total and I huffed and puffed my way up there, getting absolutely smoked by several grandparents along the way. It's hard to describe how I felt being up there, praying at this Temple. Just breathtaking. From that view, it almost seems like a cartoon version of what jungle ruins would look like. These beautiful old ruins pepper a landscape filled with palm trees and rice fields. Jamie says after some time, that they are serving food to the faithful just off to the right. So we sat down on a stretch of carpet and were served by an enthusiastic young monk who practically sang the word rice as he loaded my plate up. We ate with our hands and it was good. We washed our dishes just like everyone else and made our decent. we went driving to see the ruins of a temple. Ruins are a disservice to this thing. It's massive and beautiful. Just beside it were these massive carts all decked out and gorgeous. We ended up by a beautiful old statue of Ganesh when Jamie found out a festival was happening tomorrow. It made immediate sense. There were tons of families cramped out on these ruins like an Indian Coachella. The festival, come to find out, was happening at 10 tomorrow, far past our regular start time. Jamie says "what's the point in leaving?" And he's got a point. You could stay here a week and still not see everything. We are now sat at a restaurant where the power has gone out and we've been waiting for our food for a solid hour. Time moves slowly​ around these parts. We intend to see the start of this festival and then be on our merry way towards the coast, or wherever else Jamie has in store. I have to trust my navigator, he's gotten me this far.

The halfway blues

It's hard to verbalize the feeling of being half way done with this thing. It's like realizing a relationship won't last during your anniversary. No matter how good or bad it's going, There's a deadline.

Yesterday made it even harder to accept it.

We made it to ajanta caves yesterday in the early morning, beating the tourist rush. Dear readers, when I tell you how nearly impossible it is to explain this place I hope you believe me. Whenever I find myself in places that are older than anything i imagine them in full swing, at the peak of their use. Monks and people padding barefoot around gorgeous painted statues, reveling in their work. Did they know it would last this long? I think they did. They took great care to make sure of that. We aren't regular tourists though and we are sort of hindered by our means of transport so we had to make quick work of this marvel to go see another one down the road. We jumped back in the tuk and headed for the ellorah caves. If I thought the ajanta caves were amazing, my mouth was practically dry by how much it was hanging open. Imagine, dear readers, a massive Temple carved into the side of a mountain and I mean massive. I wish I could've brought you all with me. I wish everyone could've seen it. It should be mandatory for official personhood to see this damn thing. There were tons of caves in ellorah and we did our best to see the best ones. Number 16 could take up your entire day. This is what we signed up for though, not your average tourist experience. No time for caves Dr. Jones. We attempted to find lodging for the evening when our first breakdown happened. We thought it could be plenty of things but luckily the tuk broke down right outside the place we were staying. We decided to put a pin in it until tomorrow morning. I spent the night drinking my smuggled beers with other tukers. Beer is legal in this state but it's damn hard to find. We stored our last one in a friend's fridge and excitedly shared an actual cold beer. A member of another team by the name of matz who works in video games described the experience as "heaven".

Today is a no joking​ around type of day, even though we are the last ones out of here. We need to get some gas and head south with a vengeance. I write to you now with a coffee in my hand and an omelette in my belly ready for whatever India brings our way today. Let's just hope she's gentle about it.

Play time is serious business

Dear readers,

We find ourselves in a strange predicament. Today we decided to see both of these ancient caves because we are here and why the hell not. However, my engineer informed me that this day long detour will set us back at a significant pace. There has been much nail biting and gnashing of teeth from my end. I need to make it to Kochi for that party. I need to make it to that finish line. Even though I signed up for all of this, sometimes it can feel like I'm doing a job, like I'm working to have fun. I find it rewarding in the most frustrating way imaginable.

Yesterday was a big ol fuck around. Pardon my crass words dear readers but there's nothing else for it. We made a wrong turn into a town that swallowed us whole. I ended up driving my tuk right through a street during market day. Not an inch between me and the rest of the world all somehow moving in perfect unison. I side swiped another tuk along the way and thought it was going to be a big ordeal. The man gave me a good hearted head wobble and a namaste and we were back on our way. Gotta love that.

I also practically jumped a ditch that should've ended our adventure right then and there. I'm amazed not a single thing on our tuk came undone. I was convinced miracles do happen in the smallest of ways when shortly down the road we got our first official shake down. A police jeep driving ahead of us noticed that we were pretty out of place on this trucker road and flagged us down. They asked to see our permit and made up some phony baloney garbage about how our papers didn't include this specific space to drive through. One of them leaned in and said 4500 rupees to which I repeated exasperatedly. He understood that even that bribe was insane so he dropped it down to 2000. Still absolutely nuts but I was happy to pay it and be on my way.

We ended up as the only guests at a small motel just outside of where the caves are. I write this to you now as the sun is rising. It doesn't feel right. Normally we drive from twilight onwards. I fear we may be aiming a tuk tuk sized gun at our foot while we fiddle with the trigger. Jamie said it best though and I'd have to agree "if the gods want us in Kochi, we'll be in Kochi". I normally don't subscribe to such religious thinking but at this point it may be the most sensible.

Dry state

Dear readers, it's hard to keep it straight. Just when I think I have a handle on this place it judo flips me over it's back with such ease that all I can do is stare up at it from the ground in awe. Jamie is my navigator and I am the Capitan of this vessel. The only problem is I am at the whims of my navigator who is very particular about the roads he travels on. He also has a tendency to go goofy when the sun bakes his brain. Two days ago he started calling me Ryan, the name of one of his coworkers. "It's because I feel like I'm on a boat, navigating it through waters" that isn't far off. I'm not sure what I'd do without him. Probably get there faster but with less adventure involved. It'd be more of an adolescent burn through India, with me attempting to see the worn out backpacker party plots, doing my best to get kissed in a foreign country. There's time for that later (I hope). The journey we've been on has had many flavors, from boring long drives, to cruises through the country. A one car parade through parts that rarely see anything but their normal lives. Yesterday was just that, we found a beautiful road through the country that led us exactly where we wanted. At one point we stopped on the side of the road to check our progress and as usual a group began to form around us. One young man with good English began to chat up Jamie and insisted he ride in his car. Jamie obliged and I followed him solo to a town called kahdi. There we met his English teacher and said hello to his class. While on the search for a map, I hung around with a group of hooligans who offered to get me beer. This is a big deal in Gujarat, beer has been banned. So we went from weed milkshakes being sold in corner stores, to the banning of beer. I of course was only too happy to over pay for 4 of them, just for the experience of sneaking beer. Its a good thing Jamie gave up his search because we were dangerously close to a tattoo shop, which is another idiot thing I feel I need to do. Jamie gathered from the English teacher that there was an old carved Temple called the sun Temple. He said it was about 2000 years old. We had to see it even though it was 40 Km in the opposite direction. Essentially making our forward progress null and void. When we got there however, it was totally worth it. I took some pictures but they just don't do it justice. We prayed at the temple there, I thanked Ganesh for the help so far and Shiva for not destroying us yet. I sat down to look at the alter and marvel at what I had just done. I prayed at an ancient Temple, older than anything in the country I'm from. My breath was caught in my chest.

Then an old lady came by and let out the loudest and wettest fart I've ever heard right in front of me.

Another judo flip from India for good measure.

We eventually got a map off of some other runners from Chicago in an Indian McDonald's. No shit. The same map we could've got in Rajasthan we got two days later.

Our lack of planning has some downsides, mainly not knowing where we are staying. I'll read on the WhatsApp group of people staying in swanky places, drinking beers and continuing the party. I get jealous of their progress but I wouldn't trade our shitty beds, illegal beers, and, good company for the world. The day before then We drove during the night for the second time in a mad dash to find an actual hotel. Fun fact, India road houses like to put the word "hotel" on them in big giant letters. This does not mean what you think it means. It means they sell water and food. Imagine our surprise.

Today was pretty special. After the loop around that we pulled yesterday we needed to make up some time. Jamie hates freeways and cities and will do anything in his power to avoid both. Unfortunately, that's the quickest way to get around so we were kind of at odds. Using his new map didn't end up being all that helpful when all you want to do is use country roads with no name. After a much convincing I pulled off of the main road and we tried to navigate compass style. If we could travel one nice country road why not try it again? It did not work out as planned and a 30 minute detour with me explaining that a dirt road wouldn't take us to where we needed to go, Jamie begrudgingly let me get back on the highway. We drove for some time, trying to find the nature reserve that we were headed towards. Slowly, because everything happens slowly in this tuk, modernity melted away to village life. We had made it to the sanctuary which unbeknownst to either of us was covered in hills and dips. Dear readers, most of you have probably never been in a tuk tuk and for those who have you understand my hesitation. The sun was beginning to set and our only option was to press on and hope for a hotel at the end of it all. Miraculously we made it to the top of this mountainside where a small temple was nestled. We are no longer near villages but small wood thatched houses with wells and water buffalo. I prayed very hard on top of that mountain and I must say, India's gods did right by me. We sailed down the other side, me doing my best not to wear out the breaks and Jamie doing his best not to hen peck me. After all that country side to be spit back out into a bustling little town was a bit jarring. My prayers were answered once again by finding a hotel with AC and wifi. Tomorrow we continue on to some ancient caves that were carved into hundreds of years ago but not before we find a temple for some morning prayers. They seem to be helping.

Awkward baby camel steps

This tracking thing kinda sucks when it eats your beautifully written first draft.

To summarize because I need sleep.

It was Rocky to start out with. I stalled in places I very much shouldn't have. Jamie nearly navigated us into Pakistan.

We spent 40 mintues in heaven sleeping at a roadside hut fooled by cloth walls, water, and the desert wind. Indian technology.

We made it to barmer city proper and found out its a Garage town. We still don't have a map because Jamie felt it was inauthentic if we bought one in jaislemer. Couldn't find one outside of jaislemer. So he draws his own and refers to it when he need directions. End up meeting some nice oil workers who point us in the direction of this beautiful fort hotel even though Jamie requests the simplest accommodations on purpose. We drive during the night which you simply just aren't supposed to do and tailgate a tractor for safety. I'm writing to you now showered and happy from a godamned palace. Tomorrow we wake up bright and early and head towards the wild ass sanctuary. It may end up being a wizard of Oz type situation though, meaning our rickshaw was the sanctuary all along.

Gentlemen, start your engines.

Dear readers, the day has come.

I've been absent for the past two or three days from this blog. For those of you reading who are living through me vicariously, I apologise. I am an unreliable narrator. For those of you who are on the race, I'm sure you understand. I'll have to post about the big party and the night before that later because those nights were the climax of oddity or so we assumed. Jamie and I our like children on the morning of a dangerous Christmas. Fear and excitement are interchangeable at this point. All we need to do now is finally breach the gates and take flight into the wild unknown.

Mr. India

Me and Jamie spent the night in the desert after camel jockeying for a good while. I ripped my poorly made pants that I got from that shiester Bobby. Jokes on him though because I inadvertently invented air conditioned pants. Met some really fantastic folks who were in our group who pointed us to some places to check out. If I could remember all their names of put them here now, if you happen to be one of those fine folks reading this, hello! Also, please don't take it personally that I can't remember your name. If you want a name to stick in my mind it has to be something weird I guess. For example: one of the guys at the camel Safari place called himself Antonio Benderez and I couldn't forget that name even if I tried. The night in the desert was incredible, I'd never seen so many stars. Each camel had a name and I was quick to learn those (but can't seem to remember human names) Jamie rode mango, I rode Mr. India. He was a good guy, he liked to stop and eat bushes along the way and slow the caravan down. A camel after my own heart.

There was this one woman in our group who's whole life path is to learn about the world's religions and talk about them with children so it doesn't feel weird anymore. I was blown away by that. I told her before we parted ways "thanks for keeping the gods alive" I hope she knows I meant it.

Jamie and I went along our merry way through the twisting streets of jaslamer. We did our best to not be in the way of the passing scooters and cows. Along the way someone shouted from a bike "kody-baba!" It was our friend Ganesha from cafe+. He was happy to see us and we him. He's offered to help us pimp out our rickshaw as soon as we get it and I couldn't be more excited. He also bestowed another valued phrase into my lexicon: no worry, no hurry, no chicken curry. I'm gonna come back home saying a lot of weird shit.

Jamie and I still have a full day ahead of us. We are gonna get clothes made for us, we have to see a fort, I have to get high off of an entirely legal weed yogurt drink. So much India, so little time.

Indian technology

Boy. How do I start.

The second day of our trip felt like an entire week. From seeing the Taj Mahal to agras fort, we soaked in about as much of Agra as we could. Met two Indians named Bobby and Johnny who promptly sold me some marble and clothing. What can I say? I'm a sucker for a sales pitch. Unfortunately one of them charged me 400 bucks American which I learned way latter. Dangit Bobby, why'd you have to go and fuck me? Regardless, we ventured forth and saw fatepur, the old capital of India. The story goes, king Akbar wanted a son and had a dream about a holy man on a mountain. He checks it out and lo and behold he was right, the guy blessed him and he had a son. Akbar is so psyched he decides to move the capital to this mountainside and does so in style. When we got there we were informed that the holy man's family still gets burried there when they die. Also, you can make three wishes a year plus one for your family. I was told that you can't tell anyone about your wish unless it's your wife or if it comes true so if you want to know what I wished for, marry me.

Now dear readers, I'll tell you this. I am exhausted by this point. I sweat a lot without the help of the Indian sun. I was a wet rag most of the day. So when Jamie suggested to ride bikes through a bird sanctuary natural response was to tell him to fuck of but here I'm a different man. So I sucked up my complaints and hopped on. Two things happened, I became an exausted wreck and no amount of exotic birds would bring me out of this state. Jamie however was invigorated. Couldn't have been happier. From there when had to catch our trains. The first train was an hour and a half late. The officials at the station told us that we would miss our connecting train to jaslamer. Jamie did not believe them. I was more of the mind to listen to people who actually work for the train station but long story short we chanced it. Turns out all the trains run late in India, therefore, they run on time. That's what Indian technology is. Something archaic yet entirely functional. You see it everywhere here. After sleeping for what felt like an entire day on a train we made it to jaslamer. I shared breakfast with an Indian man called Vikki. It was so good on so many levels. My hypothesis is being proved. We are all humans trying to do our best no matter where we are. It keeps getting confirmed here. I'm truly blown away.

Side note, I've gained a new nickname. They called me kody-baba and I feel like it fits. Children kept calling me Alibaba because of my beard and after holding court in the train station it evolved into the name I'll take to my grave

They called me kody-baba.