Post-Rally Stupidity.

Rather than bore everyone with a long and detailed entry on our days in UB, here's what happened. In point form.

Found a cheap hotel. Had offers for our spares and our car. Said our goodbyes to Gianlucar.

Ran into Bjorn (of The Lost Puppies) and Yes We KAn at random on the streets of UB. Had some drinks with them.

Reuinted with the boys, whose car FINALLY quit (shortly after Yes We KAn and we abandoned them). They rode in to Bayankhongor on the back of a truck, then took a ridiculously cramped minibus for 16 hours to UB. Hilarious.

Had Guinness at a Mongolian pub. Had a LOT of Indian food. Drank at a British pub with Dave, its owner.

Showered! Chelsea got a haircut! We had our laundry done! Wow.

Did the responsible thing and got tattoos in some basement salon place. Ed, Chelsea, Barret, and I now have "It's Now!" on or around our wrists. The slogan of the trip, which we took from a box of Azeri custard cakes. Stupidity.

Barret made out with a girl, Chelsea made out with a boy, Matt joined the other asexuals/committed males in a fooseball tournament. WAY more fun.

We went to clubs, saw girls openly doing cocaine, barely avoided being involved in a brawl, saw a guy get bottled, and made all sorts of blood-soaked friends.

Saw a few sunrises.

Bought all sorts of dirt-cheap clothing at Doubt?, a Japanese vintage store with ska vinyls all over the walls. What a place...

Ed got naked in the streets at ~5 am. Although we did end up seeing some female Mongolian strippers, male nudity truly was the theme of the trip.

Saw obese people for the first time in a LONG time. How bizarre.

Had pizza. Of course.

Went to the Black Market, a fully legal market with a misleading name. Saw all sorts of strange shirts (Like Celvin Kaen, Jace Jonks, Dcloe & Gababna, and Jeep: Aucciecan Lcgeud), bought some camel/yak wool shirts and hats, etc.

Had a 10 year-old prepubescent boy with a fake ID taxi us around. He said he was 26, his ID said 34, and he couldn't properly press in the clutch. Laws are just suggestions.

Fell in love with UB, then had to leave it. Said goodbye to everyone, made it to the airport an hour before our flight, but the UB airport is the size of a shoebox, so our processing took ~15 minutes (from ticket counter to gate...for an international flight). The last bit of travel god luck, I suppose.

Day 55: ? to Ulaanbaatar, Mongolia (The Finish Line!)

We woke up for a short, quiet, and reflection-filled drive into the city. There were no more issues, nothing standing in our way, and...we made it. At ~noon. We made it to Ulaanbaatar...we made it.

Did the photo op thing at the city entrance, then headed in to find the finish line (now closed, but it's the drop-off point). Using our new novelty horn/loudspeaker (with various police sirens on it...stolen from the lads), we yelled at everyone as we entered. And we entertained our fellow vehicles at traffic jams with the sirens. Hilarious.

This, of course, resulted in us being pulled over by the police at some point. After driving ~17,000 km across two continents and having dealt with (and paid off) far too many corrupt officials, and realizing that the guy wasn't paying attention, had no car, no radio, and only a baton to stop us, Barret fled. The guy whistled furiously, but whatever. We're champions. We're above the law.

With the help of the Adventurists' directions, we found the finish line. And...we're done. Photos were taken, forms were signed, and that's it. Team number 251 of approximately 440, with ~60 cars already abandoned/broken down. Thanks for the support folks. We're done, and we've obviously lived up to our team name. And the modesty continues...

Day 54: ? to ? (just off the PAVED ROAD!), Mongolia

As planned, we all woke up with the sun. And Johannes, for some reason, was sleeping outside in a camping chair. Silly Germans.

We cooked up some eggs for breakfast (with bread!), then headed out with a somewhat less unbearable sunrise in our eyes. With the Pandas leaving Ulaanbaatar on Thursday (and today being Wednesday), we desperately wanted to reach Ulaanbaatar in time for one last meeting. It's nice to have a goal.

Our campsite was ~12 km from what was supposed to be the worst river crossing of the trip, so we headed out with hopes of figuring that out as quickly as possible. And what did we see on our arrival? The Golden Horde camped next to the river. For some unknown reason, those crazy kids had decided to press on...and they had passed us.

After a dramatic and happy reunion, we figured out the river's lowest point with the help of a local woman. She led Chelsea through the painfully cold river to demonstrate how high the water would get (slightly below knee height) while we made modifications to our intakes in order to avoid the flooding issue. The Ka made it AOK, the lads' car popped out of gear mid-way through (but Ed miraculously recovered!), and we had no issues either. Shocking.

We stopped for a few photos by the river, plotted the rest of our journey...and the lads' car wouldn't start. We managed to push start it (again), but it died (again) after ~50 m. So we said our goodbyes to them as they waited around for the next large truck (for a makeshift tow) and headed on. Time limits, sadly.

We made it a short way up the road (~70 km away from Bayankhongor, the next town) before blowing a tire. No, not one tire. Make that two. Two flats, one spare, and 70 km to the next town. Shit.

The Ka had a spare with a slow puncture, so we tried that...and failed, as the tire didn't fit. Shit.

So we used a tire repair kit (not for sidewall damage) on our best flat (with sidewall damage). And it didn't work. We rode on that tire until the rubber had shredded and started to do damage to our tail light, stopped, changed to our other flat, and rode on that. We stopped once that tire started to deteriorate, Chelsea swapped spots with Johannes to head into town to find spares (a time-saving activity), and the three of us continued riding on the flat.

Flat turned to shredded tire, shredded tire to rim, and so began the most dangerous (and uncomfortable) ride of our journey. Wait...did I say most dangerous? I meant second most dangerous. Turns out that the shredded tire flapping about had severed our brake line, we lost all of our brake fluid, and suddenly we were riding on three tires and one dying rim with no brakes. Like Mongolian roads weren't dangerous enough...

Johannes nearly got a concussion on one of the bumps and we all gritted our teeth, but we eventually reached Bayankhongor. Against the odds. Man this car is amazing...as is Barret's driving (Johannes conceded today that Barret was the best driver of the convoy...as I had drunkenly proclaimed a few nights earlier).

We rode up to the first mechanic that we saw, had them all shake their heads and gesture that we're crazy/stupid, and began the search for the others. While Barret waited with the car, Johannes and I headed into town. Used a local's phone to try calling Lionel and failed at that, but ended up running into Chelsea on the way. So we all headed to the tire place while Barret dealt with ridicule at the mechanic's.

I picked up a tire and walked back to the mechanic's while Chelsea continued haggling (no time to lose!), trying to hold onto the price that she had originally been quoted. Turns out that the mechanic had a tire that fit...wasted effort on the tire carrying, but fortunate nonetheless. Rather than fix the brake line, the mechanic tied off the broken line and filled us up with brake fluid. Seems as though he noticed that we only needed to make it to Ulaanbaatar...

Now running smoothly (thankfully) and braking adequately (thankfully), we headed into town with some friends from the mechanic's to find cash, supplies, and fuel. Their payment for helping expedite the process? We let them sign our car (it always works, and people are always so excited to get the opportunity).

With the sun about to set, we said our goodbyes to the Ka, as Lionel and Johannes had no plans to rush to UB through the night. We did a much less severe river crossing together, then lost one another as the sun set on the horizon (we had taken different roads, and these didn't end up meeting...it's always a gamble in Mongolia). And pressed on through the night.

As we approached the stretch of paved road that we had heard so much about (the last 400 km before UB are paved), we started hitting some terrible jumps. Damaged the frame (the door wouldn't close properly), saw sparks fly from the front end when we landed on it (a bump turned out to be a crater...hard to tell with weak lights in the dark), and ended up bottoming out HARD on an unseen rock. And our car died. At ~2 am. In the middle of nowhere in Mongolia. Yeah, we're not seeing the Pandas.

But wait...car death wasn't car death at all! Turns out that the gear box had somehow been damaged, resulting in first being a bit further than third, second being where neutral should've been, third further than fifth, and fourth somewhere off in the middle of nowhere. Fifth and reverse were nowhere to be found.

So we continued on, gradually finding gears as we went (we started with two, but Barret eventually found the rest). Followed a dump truck to the pavement, drove past the roughest parts of the road (with the rough patches of the paved road being worse than the unpaved road), and stopped shortly after we made it to reliably nice roads for a few hours of sleep in the car. ~250 km away from UB with a damaged vehicle and only paved roads in between. We've made it...

Day 53: Altai to ?, Mongolia

Today our convoy went from 5 to 2. The lads finally gave up, opting to leave their car in Altai rather than risk getting abandoned somewhere (wise choice), Jake was planning to stay in Altai while The Monster received some repairs (another wise choice), D'arcy and Erica were heading north on the rougher (but more scenic) route...and we lost the cyclists, who decided that they now had enough time to cover the remaining distance. A lot of goodbyes for one morning, especially sad considering all that had happened the previous night.

While Erica and Chelsea headed into town to pick up supplies parts for The Khanucks' car, we all stripped the lads' car of anything useful before deciding to head into town. Rob and Neisha headed off on their cycles from the field...and the lads' car started. Strange, considering the fact that Barret had to tow them onto the field the night before.

So we headed to the town's official Mongol Rally mechanic, where we ran into a number of other teams. We said our apologies to Jake and D'arcy, visited a Mongol Rally graveyard (behind the mechanic's shop, there were multiple broken down cars from the 2010 and 2009 Rallies...quitters). We picked up some spares, said our goodbyes to everyone, and headed off with the Ka at ~2 pm. A late start, but we had a lot of ground to cover (we were trying to make it to Ulaanbaatar by Wednesday, and this was Tuesday...).

Again there were no issues along the way, and the driving was pretty decent (for Mongolia). Driving through the Gobi desert was a bit surreal, but it was hard to digest everything as we raced across the surprisingly flat land. As the sun set, we decided to start searching for camping...and quickly gave up on finding a suitable spot, what with there being no trees, hills, water, or any sort of protection from the wind. Remember, it's the desert.

We stopped at the first 'hill' (really just a small bump on the horizon that turned out to be flat), set up camp, and froze. Chelsea slept in the car (she wasn't feeling well...possibly from the previous night's drinking?) while Barret, Lionel, Johannes, and I made some chili with the remainder of our canned goods. This was to be our last night camping, so we thought that we'd make the most of it by using up whatever we had left. Smart planning.

After layering up and realizing that there'd be no way that we'd avoid the cold/wind, we all went to sleep pretty early. Our plan was to wake up with the sun and drive all day to Ulaanbaatar...and we did the responsible thing. We're growing up before your eyes.

Day 52: ? to Altai, Mongolia

Jake had ended the previous night saying that he might only go to the next village before being towed to Altai for a part. We all knew that his vehicle was in rough shape, but I don't think that any of us thought that he'd do something like that.

So the morning, for Jake, started with a lot of phone calls. The rest of us finished whatever cleaning was left from the night before, packed our stuff, and ate before leaving. With Jake forced to consider calling it quits and the Golden Horde's car barely running, it seemed as though today'd be the day that we'd lose someone.

We headed off for a short drive to the next village, where Jake decided to push through to Altai (despite the poor condition of his vehicle). Although no one was sure if this'd be a good decision, we were all pretty pleased to know that our convoy wouldn't be shrinking. At least not yet.

As had been happening on previous days, the Golden Horde's car broke down multiple times. Coupled with numerous flats (we received our second at some point in the afternoon), this made for another unnecessarily long drive. For the healthy cars, at least.

And then it happened. The lads stopped either to change a tire or to let their engine cool down...and it wouldn't start. We tried everything to fix it, everyone took turns trying to start it again, and nothing worked. So out came the tow line, with Shaky Jake (in his dying 4x4) ready to tow the lads the rest of the way to Altai. And, to everyone's amazement, their car started ~5 seconds into being towed (this was after we tried push starts, both by physically pushing the car and pushing it with our vehicles). Strange.

...And it happened again. And again. And, eventually, the car gave up. With no sign of Jake, the Ka decided to take over towing duties until something better came up. And Yes We KAn was able to tow the Golden Horde ~40 km with relative ease. These little cars are really impressive.

We all stopped in a farmer's field (filled with wild chives and camels) at sunset to figure out where we were and how far we were all willing to go, and we decided to press on to Altai no matter what. And, again to everyone's amazement, the lads' car started. This makes no sense.

We (Barret, Matt, and the cyclists) were nominated to go ahead with the Golden Horde, as our car had had no issues up to that point. Jake and D'arcy pressed on in the Monster, as they feared having the same issues as the lads if they stopped. And the other two cars served as floaters.

As it grew dark, we reached a stretch of decent road (flat[ish], paved[ish], pothole/crater-free[ish])...and blew another tire. It seems as though the good roads are more vicious than the bad.

While changing the tire, the Ka passed us, with Johannes saying that Lionel was ill. We told them to rush ahead in order to keep up with the boys, as we were all pretty terrified that they'd stop and not be able to start again. The girls passed us in The Khanucks' car shortly thereafter, drinking vodka while driving through the desert at night. Probably not the best idea, but we've had a lot of bad ones.

And there was no sign of Jake/D'arcy.

After changing the tire, we decided to catch up with the others in order to find a place to sleep. On reaching Altai, we were told (by Johannes) that all hotels in town had been booked by other Ralliers. So we decided that they should wait outside the city for Jake while we all went to pick up supplies.

After this, a drunken 'police' officer saw us congregated on the edge of town and decided to harass us (I put police in quotes because it's hard to tell...he was just a drunk guy on an American flag motorcycle with a hat...not as cool as the 'police' officer with the fake ID and pink NYPD hat who tried to get bribes from us outside of Olgii). And the girls (plus Ed) followed him to an abandoned field, searching for a ger camp that didn't exist (remember, they'd been drinking in the car). And then they went to one of the hotels to see if 13 of us could fit into the one room available. And then they all mingled with the other Rallyiers. All while the Ka waited outside of town.

So...Barret, the cyclists, and I jumped back into our car, went without supplies, and headed out to find the Ka. We decided to look for camping, found a spot in a field somewhere west of town, and left our bumper as a landmark on the highway (for the others). After setting up camp and starting on some food, Barret headed back into town (in Gianlucar) to fetch the others. He returned a bit later with two more cars...and still no sign of Jake and D'arcy.

The girls (plus Ed) continued drinking, we all ate...and The Monster appeared. Jake and D'arcy were extremely pissed off with us for abandoning them (rightfully so), vented, and headed into town to take the one remaining room at the hotel. As this put a bit of a damper on the evening (D'arcy being so upset had made Erica upset...and so on), most people went to sleep shortly after The Monster took off.

Freezing and determined to make something of the evening, Barret, the lads, and I retreated to their heated car...to individually rate every card in a pack of Russian sexy lady (no nudity) cards from the early 90s. While the others slept. And then headed our separate ways after completing this daunting task. And this is what we do for fun...

Day 51: Khovd to ?, Mongolia

Despite an early morning, we all ended up getting a later start than expected. Thirteen people cleaning, packing, and eating takes up a lot of time, surprisingly.

After saying our goodbyes to Tony and the camp's owners (and their adorable, perpetually pantsless toddler son), we headed into town for fuel before taking off. And we made it ~5 minutes outside of Khovd before the lads (the Golden Horde) starting having issues. The beginning of another long and slow day.

Aside from a lot of driving and some rearranging of bags/passengers (to take the load off of the lads' back end, as their shocks went at some point), the day went much the same as the one on the way to Khovd. There were flats, breakdowns, and a lot on confusion/frustration. And we played soccer at almost every stop! So it was all a lot of fun, really.

At one of our many stops, Lionel initiated a game of 'throw the rock at the car' which involved throwing rocks at each other's cars. Again with the stupidity, but he justified it (and playing bumper cars whenever we'd stop) by saying that we'd never get a chance to do this stuff at home. Fair enough.

Something terrible had to happen, so Chris, on his first throw, shattered the Ka's back window. This would be the same Chris who, at our stop at Lake Tolbo, decided to throw a hard plastic plate like a frisbee and ended up accidentally hitting Erica in the back of the head (which caused some pretty significant swelling/bruising). Poor luck indeed, and he obviously felt terrible for doing so. But hilarious for everyone else (save Lionel and Johannes).

After removing the glass and replacing the window with tape (on which Chris wrote "Sorry!" in large letters), we continued on. And we knew that we'd have no hope of reaching Altai, which had been our goal for the day.

So we started searching for a campsite. Had an invite from a man at a village near where the window had been shattered, turned that down due to a total absence of females (and the lustful/hopeful leering of the local men), and headed a bit further up the road before settling in a small field near a disgusting river (where the water ran brown, much like Mongolian wine).

We all set up camp, built a modest fire, and feasted on Shepherd's Pie (again a collaborative effort headed by Jake, with Rob and Johannes on the fried cabbage and vegetables). Barret headed to sleep early (he wasn't feeling well) while the rest of us polished off the food and slowly trickled into our tents. With a stop for some fried buuz (Mongolian dumpling) meat that Chelsea whipped up in order to get rid of the rapidly decomposing delicacy (purchased in Khovd).

After two nights of excess in Khovd and a long day of breakdowns and broken windows, nobody (save Ed) had the energy to do another long night. Tragic for him, refreshingly responsible for the rest.

Day 50: Khovd, Mongolia

A few of the boys woke up bright and early to get some parts and repairs in town while everyone else slept in. For a bit.

With the exception of Johannes (genuine stomach bug) and Ed (who slept until ~5 pm to recover from his hangover/vomit), everyone was up at ~noon for breakfast. We all generally hung our heads, talked about the stupidity of the previous night, and told each other how awful we all looked/felt. Some photos and videos were shared ("I don't remember that at all"), and we all had a good laugh despite the pain. Bonding.

At some point a mixed group of European doctors cycled in to join our conversation and give us bits of wisdom on life in Mongolia. Some had only been there briefly, others were semi-permanently located nearby, and all were doing development/charity work. A good reminder that, despite all of our stupidity and alcoholism, we're doing this for a good cause. In other words, we're good people despite becoming terrible people nearly every night.

The boys in town took entirely too long to get the necessary repairs (when these repairs were possible...most weren't) and spares, but they all eventually returned. And we decided not to press on, as we wouldn't make much progress if we were to leave at ~6 pm. So we all agreed to punish ourselves by waking up early and driving as far as possible the next day.

D'arcy found a river nearby (bizarre, as there seemed to be no water/greenery anywhere else), so we all took turns lounging by and bathing in the river. The cold, unforgiving river. Great way to cure a hangover.

We all ended up lounging outside for a while, getting to know the ger camp's owners while having gin and tonics (Jake's treat for the evening). We were told by Maya (the flawless English-speaking owner) that we were the most self-sufficient/least lazy team that had come by, so she offered to cook for the evening. Although we were all a bit hesitant at first, we collectively decided to give ourselves the night off and try some Mongolian home-cooking for a change.

After we moved into the party ger (it was getting a bit cold outside), we were served an amazing meal by Maya and her husband (fantastic people), which we thoroughly enjoyed while getting to know the only other person in the camp. Tony, an older Australian man, shared travel stories with us (he used to be a commercial pilot and found it easier to list the places that he HADN'T visited rather than those that he had, so he had a few stories) while we shared some of the worst wine on the face of the Earth. Made by 'Winery,' it was a genuine Mongolian...brown. Looked like gasoline, tasted like alcohol. Mmm.

After everyone had finished eating, things died down quite a bit, with most people heading to bed early in order to prepare for the next day (and recover from the previous one). Ed, Chris, and I stayed up until ~4 am, chatting with Maya's husband and doing the usual drink and bond thing (with much less drinking this time around). After receiving directions, recommendations, and driving time/distance estimates from Maya's husband, we decided to head to be for a few hours of sleep. So little sleep makes for painful days, but it's these late night moments that make the trip...